People Who Smile When They Drive
I haven't posted since September?! That's crazy. I was driving home from a New Year's Day hike to Monkey Face with Lorelei and realized that I was smiling like an idiot because I was legitimately happy. The sunset was gorgeous, the air was crisp and cold, everything smelled like fresh mud, and of course the company was fun. This has been a trend for me, happiness. I like it a lot. I can't begin to describe how Prozac has changed my life. The combination I'm on (Wellbutrin, Provigil, and Prozac) is perfect for bringing me to where I think most people naturally are; I'm at least thisclose to that.
The Prozac hasn't been without its side effects however, and in the beginning I could not have an orgasm for the life of me. That was bloody awful, but everything righted itself. The thing that hasn't gone away is extreme, extreme bruxism. My teeth grinding definitely led to the exacerbation of my need for a root canal, and it 1,000,000% caused the insane pain I was in. This has also been the cause of my migraines (coupled with stress, of course), and it's caused me to miss work. I also think it's the root of the constant pressure changes and clicking in my ears which is frustrating as fuck. It all sucks. BUT, it doesn't suck enough for me to stop taking Prozac. I may very well soon have nubs for teeth because I will have sawed them off myself, but at least I will have this good feeling about life.
Nothing is perfect. Everything is a mess and right now I am alright with that. My mind definitely goes through patterns of "realization" where something just clicks. Right now that "something" is that it's okay to be whatever the fuck I am, however great or terrible I am, because that's just the reality of the now. How's that for some hippie bullshit? I do smell pretty terrible right now since I haven't showered today and have a sweaty crotch from hiking, but it's definitely not a hippie smell. Thank God for that.
This year I didn't make resolutions. I made a "Let it Go" list of shit that I need to, well, let go. It was long and had things like always thinking everything is my fault, guilt, shame, hiding my emotions, 30 pounds without starving, dehydration, sleep, etc. and I burned it last night. Symbolism and shit, and apparently witchcraft because I got the idea from some random witch instagram that I have no idea how I got to. It was a good thing to do for me and I think everyone should try it. If it doesn't help you at least made a list of all the shitty things about yourself and then got to light something on fire. Silver linings, folks.
Really what I want for this year, and all the years thereafter, is to accept life as it is and to accept that even though I may love people more than I can describe, they may not love me back and they will hurt me. That's going to be a tough one and something I must continually work on, but it's honestly the most important thing to me. I guess in a way my motto for the year will be "That sounds like a you problem." It doesn't matter how kind, giving, funny, and present I am, that's not going to be good enough for some people.
I already miss Christmas and Starbucks Christmas cups. I miss Halloween and stupid Thanksgiving and the holiday spirit. None of that was here this year. I couldn't control that and I'm okay with it, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel cheated. One amazing thing that's happened this holiday season is that I've been able to take almost two full weeks of paid vacation from work; I've never done that before. I worked last Friday and that will be it until Monday the 7th. It wasn't my original plan. I had intended to work two days each week between Christmas and New Year's, but I had this opportunity to take the time and my Associate Director approved it. The first day I felt guilty, so fucking guilty, but quietly reminding myself that my job is not my life and people aren't going to die because I'm not there helped a lot. Besides, if they do die, they would've died anyway. I sure hope they don't, but it helps to put things into perspective for me. My job is absolutely important, but it's not saving the world and life goes on without me there.
I have five days left in my vacation and I'm going to soak them up with my family. I have no obligations that I don't want to have, I'm sleeping in late and taking naps when I need them. I'm cleaning and purging shit from our house. I had an amazing, amazing New Year's Eve with friends and family, and I think I will be ready to go back to my routines by Monday.
I mean, we'll see how I am on Monday, but for now it's gold.
The Prozac hasn't been without its side effects however, and in the beginning I could not have an orgasm for the life of me. That was bloody awful, but everything righted itself. The thing that hasn't gone away is extreme, extreme bruxism. My teeth grinding definitely led to the exacerbation of my need for a root canal, and it 1,000,000% caused the insane pain I was in. This has also been the cause of my migraines (coupled with stress, of course), and it's caused me to miss work. I also think it's the root of the constant pressure changes and clicking in my ears which is frustrating as fuck. It all sucks. BUT, it doesn't suck enough for me to stop taking Prozac. I may very well soon have nubs for teeth because I will have sawed them off myself, but at least I will have this good feeling about life.
Nothing is perfect. Everything is a mess and right now I am alright with that. My mind definitely goes through patterns of "realization" where something just clicks. Right now that "something" is that it's okay to be whatever the fuck I am, however great or terrible I am, because that's just the reality of the now. How's that for some hippie bullshit? I do smell pretty terrible right now since I haven't showered today and have a sweaty crotch from hiking, but it's definitely not a hippie smell. Thank God for that.
This year I didn't make resolutions. I made a "Let it Go" list of shit that I need to, well, let go. It was long and had things like always thinking everything is my fault, guilt, shame, hiding my emotions, 30 pounds without starving, dehydration, sleep, etc. and I burned it last night. Symbolism and shit, and apparently witchcraft because I got the idea from some random witch instagram that I have no idea how I got to. It was a good thing to do for me and I think everyone should try it. If it doesn't help you at least made a list of all the shitty things about yourself and then got to light something on fire. Silver linings, folks.
Really what I want for this year, and all the years thereafter, is to accept life as it is and to accept that even though I may love people more than I can describe, they may not love me back and they will hurt me. That's going to be a tough one and something I must continually work on, but it's honestly the most important thing to me. I guess in a way my motto for the year will be "That sounds like a you problem." It doesn't matter how kind, giving, funny, and present I am, that's not going to be good enough for some people.
I already miss Christmas and Starbucks Christmas cups. I miss Halloween and stupid Thanksgiving and the holiday spirit. None of that was here this year. I couldn't control that and I'm okay with it, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel cheated. One amazing thing that's happened this holiday season is that I've been able to take almost two full weeks of paid vacation from work; I've never done that before. I worked last Friday and that will be it until Monday the 7th. It wasn't my original plan. I had intended to work two days each week between Christmas and New Year's, but I had this opportunity to take the time and my Associate Director approved it. The first day I felt guilty, so fucking guilty, but quietly reminding myself that my job is not my life and people aren't going to die because I'm not there helped a lot. Besides, if they do die, they would've died anyway. I sure hope they don't, but it helps to put things into perspective for me. My job is absolutely important, but it's not saving the world and life goes on without me there.
I have five days left in my vacation and I'm going to soak them up with my family. I have no obligations that I don't want to have, I'm sleeping in late and taking naps when I need them. I'm cleaning and purging shit from our house. I had an amazing, amazing New Year's Eve with friends and family, and I think I will be ready to go back to my routines by Monday.
I mean, we'll see how I am on Monday, but for now it's gold.
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