Posts

Sometimes

Sometimes I want a completely different life,
One where I am the opposite of myself, adventurous,
A life in which I submerge myself in nature, where I get in the car and just go,
Where spontaneity is celebrated and I tell others exactly how I feel,
Where I tell them that I love them, and that they are beautiful, and real,
My days and nights would be equal, my energy sky high,
My body would get what it wants, and I would smile more than cry,
A life that I will never have because it wasn't meant to be,
I am trapped in syrupy sweet perfection, longing for someone to find me.

JM

There are few things in life that can make me feel such a wide array of emotions than John Mayer. Happy, peaceful, lovely, tingly, sad, devastated, hurt, broken, magical, turned on, awe, grief, melancholy, excitement, touched, and magical. This man just gets it. He fucking gets it. I am so excited to see him in concert for the third time next week. John Mayer, I'm coming for you. Not in a creepy way of course, unless you're into that then okay, cool.

Fuck.

I haven't had a week this devastating in a very, very long time. My boss, whom everyone knows I adore, and I got into an argument that should not have happened. Ever. It took place on Monday and I am still shook and confused as to why it happened at all. I won't go into details, but it feels like we "broke up" or like someone very close to me has died...unexpectedly. We have talked about it and are trying to move forward, but I can't shake the feeling that our working relationship and friendship was forever changed by this one, non-issue issue. My heart is hurt. I would go so far as to say that a piece of it is broken. It's a terrible feeling. She is so important to my life. She is one of the main reasons I am happy, why I love my job, and why I smile. She is not someone that I want to lose.

I am just so sad about it. She's leaving for a month on vacation today, and even though we have talked openly about what happened, I am left feeling in limbo, like I …

In the Deep

I am serial empath. I feel things incredibly deeply and absorb the energy of those around me without trying. This is often a good thing and allows me to understand the people in my life, but it is, at times, extremely detrimental to my overall health and well-being. This is especially true with my family and close friends, and when they are off, so am I. This isn't some reflective personality bullshit, this is how my body and soul operate. The feelings of the people around me become my own, even if I don't understand them, and have such a profound effect that I carry them with me throughout my entire day.

There are times when I am feeling great, am in a good, positive mood, and I walk next to someone and BAM! I'm done. I feel sad, hurt, angry...whatever it is that person is projecting without realizing it, and even though I know this is happening, I almost always turn these feelings on myself and am left wondering if that person is upset with me and go over and over every …

Cracks in the Facade

The couch that at times can be so comforting and inviting can also be a trap that weighs me down, refusing to let me leave. The very thing that I look forward to is often the thing that I can't escape, that my brain, body, and heart won't let me escape from. This is depression. It is very hard to explain and even more difficult to understand, but it is how I've felt since 2003, the year in which I was officially "diagnosed" with a condition that I will battle throughout the entirety of my life. 
I imagine this sensation is similar to what drowning feels like. I can see the surface, all I have to do is stand up and I'll be safe, but I can't. In these instances I am often above my body, looking down. I can see myself as a wet rag on the chaise section of the couch, so weak and sad...and not belonging there. If only I would dry out or at least be hung up elsewhere then maybe I could flee. But I can't. The is a dampness that does not go away. 
It is easy …

Moments

This Post was recovered from THURSDAY, DECEMBER 8, 2016
There are good and bad moments in every day; it's inarguably easier to focus on the bad, and very difficult to focus and hang onto the good. Today I had three very distinct moments that left me feeling all sunshine-y and happy, and made such a lasting impression that I am compelled to blog about them. Forgive the shitty writing. I'm tired and don't have the energy to do better.

Thing 1: I sat with good people at our holiday party. I had good conversations, I shared inside jokes, I felt good and like I belonged. Even though much of the "party" was boring, it was boring with a purpose. The majority of the time was devoted to people who have been with the company for 10, 15, 20, 25, and 30 years. My employers care so much about their employees that they throw an expensive party complete with elaborate speeches, poems, songs, skits, etc. to honor their service. Normally all of those things would annoy the shit out…

Treading Water

This post was recovered from THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 15, 2016
It took awhile, but my head is finally above water, and while it is too soon to say for sure, I think I am headed in the right direction. I met with a new doctor who put me back on Wellbutrin and my brain is starting to function again. I feel like I am out of the black hole I had fallen into and it is a good feeling.

Life is very stressful and I struggle to do much more than work. but work is something I am good at. My patience is thin but it is getting better each day. Sleep still eludes me most nights but even that is improving. I ordered a new Beachbody workout system and am waiting for it to arrive so that I can begin to chip away at this weight and feel more like myself. Progress is progress and I will take it.

I am trying very hard to focus on doing only one thing at a time and it is anything but easy for me. I have to stop and remind myself 10,000 times a day to complete a task before starting a new one. Multitasking is som…