Mental Health Update

Last week I received sweet, sweet relief: my insurance company approved my medication. I have now been on Provigil for about a week, and I feel different. Provigil is not prescribed for anxiety or depression, it's a "smart drug" for those with Narcolepsy, ADD/ADHD, and Sleep Shift Disorder. It is also prescribed for a myriad of off-label reasons, two of them being depression and anxiety. The medication isn't supposed to fix me, but it is supposed to increase the efficacy of my Wellbutrin.

So how's it going? It is going alright. I feel as though I've returned to myself; not 100%, but maybe 80-85% and that is fucking great. My rage is gone, the brain zaps have stopped, I am sleeping again, and many of the side effects mentioned in my previous post have subsided or disappeared entirely. The thing that still remains are the tears. I am very quick to sadness, and feel it profoundly right now. I am convinced that this is a form of PTSD from the things that transpired over the last month. I'm allowing myself to feel it, to ugly cry it out. I am hopeful that, with time, this too shall pass. 

In addition to not being a total fucking psycho, I have committed to changing the way I eat and have been on track for over a week; big deal, right? Well, after going through alltheshit, yes, yes it is. My strategy at this time is to eat what I want, but to cut my normal portions in half. The first few days weren't terrible, but I have experienced some hanger in the past two days, and that isn't fun for anyone. I'm trying to grow comfortable with the feeling of hunger. That is not to be confused with starvation, I'm not interested or driven enough to be anorexic and I never have been. Bulimic? Hell yeah, been there, done that, but that's not what this is. My next task is to keep my momentum going, and hopefully within a months time I will be on my way to where I want to be. 

Self care. It's hard, but I have to do it. 

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