Side Effects

It's been nearly a month since I stopped Zoloft and have been without a replacement. Many people, prescribing physicians mostly, don't believe that there are withdrawal side effects when antidepressants/anti-anxiety medications are involved; it is sad and devastating to those who live through it. My doctor doesn't appear to be one of those truth deniers, but my previous doctor most certainly was. I'm going to list the side effects that I have been experiencing since this nightmare of a journey began:

Side Effects

  1. Brain zaps. The best way I can describe it is the sound (and probably feeling) of a bug getting electrocuted by a bug zapper. My cats can hear the zaps. I know this because their ears perk up when it happens.
  2. Exhaustion
  3. Insomnia
  4. Realistic dreams and nightmares that leave me wondering what is real. Seriously.
  5. Headaches
  6. Eye pressure
  7. Temple pressure (think of a railroad spike going through your temples)
  8. Rage. All the rage.
  9. Sadness. All the sadness.
  10. Tears. All the tears. Open weeping, really.
  11. Body aches
  12. Body tension/rigidity
  13. Loss of range of motion
  14. Loss of stamina. Working out is extremely difficult right now.
  15. Memory trouble
  16. Difficulty speaking and reading simple words
  17. Suicidal ideation
  18. Thoughts and some attempts at self harm
  19. Changes in my appetite, weight gain, water retention
  20. Constant dehydration with the physical/mental inability to hydrate completely
  21. Panic attacks
  22. Anxiety vibrating through my body
  23. Easily startled. I've had to put my cell phone on "DND"...
  24. Feeling as though I'm under water
  25. Disconnect from my family and friends
  26. Zero focus
  27. Racing heart
  28. Rapid breathing
  29. Teenage acne. What the actual fuck?!
  30. Total loss of control of my emotions. If you know me, you know this is unacceptable.
There are undoubtedly more side effects, but this is a good picture of what I am living with every day of my life. I came thisclose to checking into Behavioral Health yesterday. I read all about it, about the process of inpatient housing, etc. I can walk in at any time and get assessed. Reading about all of this led to an even further breakdown because I strongly feel that I do need it; at the same time I don't because they do group therapy and that's not what I want, need, or would ever sign up for. Also, my family doesn’t support this solution.

2018 was supposed to kick off a new me, and I suppose it did. Right now, though, I am having difficulty keeping my resolutions. I can't be honest with my friends (except for a select few, of course), and I desperately want to be. I 100% understand why people commit suicide. These feelings are terribly isolating, and combined with the fear of the people in your life judging you, and the lack of immediate help, I sympathize completely. There's one person in particular that I wish I could tell, but I am too insecure to risk being viewed differently in that person's eyes. And yes, I get it, the people who can't handle you at your worst...blahblahblah. But it's not that simple, nothing is.

The nurse at my doctor's office is allegedly reviewing my medical records and will resubmit the Prior Authorization to our insurance company on Monday. I just don't believe her. First off, Monday is a damn holiday, and second, she's lied before. Fortunately, through some fucking miracle, I found the site www.goodrx.com and I think that even with a denial from my insurance I can afford the medication. Goodrx has a legitimate discount that makes it $64/month instead of $500 at Costco. $64/month is still too much money, but it is easily managed with a few tweaks to my daily spending. Please keep your fingers crossed that this works out and that the addition of the medication brings me back to regular, boring old Dana. I miss her a lot, and I think other people do, too. 

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