Don't Eat the Daisies

Okay, so this one is going to get weird, even for me. Last night I had a near death experience. I had the worst migraine of my life that could not be quieted through any of the measures available to me. It had all the markings of a typical migraine: intense pain, light sensitivity, nausea, etc., but this was so intense that I became paralyzed and felt my body begin to shut down. It began at my stomach and radiated out as if someone had spilled a glass of water on a hard surface. The closer it got to my head the more afraid I was and the more aware I was that I was fading away into nothing. I tried to call out for Matt but as I was paralyzed I couldn’t. I was able to tell my brain “You are dying. You are not ready to die.” and I thought about my sweet daughter and husband who would find my body in the morning. I faded out for I don’t know how long, and eventually I came back. There was a tunnel I guess, but there was no light. The tunnel led to nothing but darkness. There was no afterli...

Things I need to stop: Seeking approval from people who make me feel bad. Seeking approval from people. Over analyzing everyfuckingthing.  Perseverating. Thinking that my feelings are the same as someone else’s.  Romanticizing. Stupid romanticizing. Binge eating. Putting off therapy. Letting it consume me. Building pedestals.  Amazon. Sweet, sweet Amazon.  Feeling. At least a little.

Stand up, show up, shut up unless it matters, And if it does, speak it, Because the truth is the truth even when it hurts, And hurt it will, Down to your very core. The pain comes in waves, It storms when you’re an empath, Your vessel has been damaged and though the water is turbulent, You will be okay because you know how to swim. Remember that even the best of swimmers get tired, But you know how to float, And when that becomes difficult look for the life savers, They are there with outstretched arms, Don’t be afraid to grab them. You’re not the captain of this ship, You’re part of the crew, Their kindness will save you, Their kindness has saved you, And you’ll dry out soon.

Tribe. I always hear people talking about their tribes or reading articles about how we, especially women, should have them. And I always roll my eyes. I’ve got a few good friends and some family. That’s certainly not a tribe. They’re not braiding my hair or making me dinner. We don’t have matching shirts, and we certainly don’t go on camping trips together. They’re just my people, and I can count on some of them, and others, not so much. That’s not a tribe. Right? Wrong. Turns out, I do have a tribe. Mine saved my life.  Three-ish weeks ago I had a psychotic breakdown. This was different than the last two really bad ones. This one was ME breaking down, not my medication. I wanted to die. I wanted to cut myself. I wanted to burn myself. I wanted to slice my wrists open or swallow a whole bottle of pills. I felt that everyone, except for Lorelei (which is the thing that holds my place here on earth), would be so much better off without me. I was crying all of the time. Everythi...

If there is one thing I can always, always rely on, it's disappointment. Sadly, that disappointment is never not disappointing. I'm so tired of battling myself. I get my hopes up knowing that I will fail, clinging to some fantasy that maybe this time I won't. But I always do. I read this quote recently while trying to make sense of this pattern: "On disappointment: Don't immediately brush it off. Feel it first, and then it will leave you quicker. Here's the thing about broken glass: it needs to be acknowledged and swept up so you don't step on it later." The quote is by Victoria Erickson. I have no idea who that is, but damn is she right. But also...I do feel it. Sometimes too much. That's the case with me, something is either too much or not enough. I guess that's two things I can always rely on: I am never good enough. I'll be finding glass in my feet for awhile after this one.

Last week I received sweet, sweet relief: my insurance company approved my medication. I have now been on Provigil for about a week, and I feel different. Provigil is not prescribed for anxiety or depression, it's a "smart drug" for those with Narcolepsy, ADD/ADHD, and Sleep Shift Disorder. It is also prescribed for a myriad of off-label reasons, two of them being depression and anxiety. The medication isn't supposed to fix me, but it is supposed to increase the efficacy of my Wellbutrin. So how's it going? It is going alright. I feel as though I've returned to myself; not 100%, but maybe 80-85% and that is fucking great. My rage is gone, the brain zaps have stopped, I am sleeping again, and many of the side effects mentioned in my previous post have subsided or disappeared entirely. The thing that still remains are the tears. I am very quick to sadness, and feel it profoundly right now. I am convinced that this is a form of PTSD from the things that trans...