Sore Loser

My silence is suffocating but expressing myself is a fate with the potential for consequences much worse than that.

What choice do I have but to live with the deafening screams that only I can hear?

 I want so badly to not feel this way, yet it is the hand I was dealt and the house always wins.

My head knows that the game is rigged but my heart refuses to fold and so I bet again.






I never was any good at gambling.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

People Who Smile When They Drive

I haven't posted since September?! That's crazy. I was driving home from a New Year's Day hike to Monkey Face with Lorelei and realized that I was smiling like an idiot because I was legitimately happy. The sunset was gorgeous, the air was crisp and cold, everything smelled like fresh mud, and of course the company was fun. This has been a trend for me, happiness. I like it a lot. I can't begin to describe how Prozac has changed my life. The combination I'm on (Wellbutrin, Provigil, and Prozac) is perfect for bringing me to where I think most people naturally are; I'm at least thisclose to that. The Prozac hasn't been without its side effects however, and in the beginning I could not have an orgasm for the life of me. That was bloody awful, but everything righted itself. The thing that hasn't gone away is extreme, extreme bruxism. My teeth grinding definitely led to the exacerbation of my need for a root canal, and it 1,000,000% caused the insane pain
Read more

Different

I miss my long hair. I feel really sad and unattractive without it. The cut is cute and my stylist is amazing, but cutting my hair didn't fix anything. I don't know why I thought it would. I wish I was a different person. Someone who is confident in all areas of her life, or at least someone who is able to fake it. Someone who is energizing, fun, and uninhibited. Someone who can say no to people, who is okay just being herself without the desire for approval from those who don’t really matter. We allegedly get one life and on the surface mine is incredible. I wonder what kind of haircut I need to get in order to pull those feelings into the deep end?
Read more

Love Warrior

I think we can all agree that I am not the self-help-book reading, mushy, love everyone type of person. I am actually the exact opposite. That said, I am just about through the book  Love Warrio r by Glennon Doyle, and never have I ever read something that has been a mirror reflection of myself, from the way I feel, to the way I think, to the way I behave. Love Warrior   is in no way a self help book. It's one woman's struggle with herself, her identity, how she interacts with the world, and how the world tells her she should interact with it. It is exactly everything that I feel and have ever felt, and I find myself saying "YES. YES!" on almost every page. I have always, always, always been a self conscious individual. I can remember being 4 years old and not knowing how to act, feeling inferior, incompetent, and painfully out of place. I retreated inside myself and put up this shy shell of an exterior that was "cute" when I was young, but as I aged preve
Read more