Blue Christmas (not a blue waffle)

Christmas is such a bittersweet time for me. I love everything about the holiday, but it comes and goes so quickly and is a reminder of how much we’ve left behind. Lorelei is 8 and this very well be the last year she believes in Santa. That hurts my heart in a way I’ve never felt before. She is so intoxicated by the magic of the season. From her elf on the shelf to the naughty and nice list to leaving cookies for Santa and carrots for the reindeer, she is about it all. I am not sure how I will adapt to the loss of so much wonder and enchantment; it’s something we will never get back.

Christmas is also an end to another year. I don’t handle the loss of time well and never have. 2017 has, for all intents and purposes, been garbage; it’s been tarnished by a sociopath who is dividing our country and leaves us wondering what we will awaken to each morning. It’s been filled with mass murder and natural disasters and the loss of loved ones who were taken far too soon. But 2017 was also wonderful. Lorelei is the best, my husband is the best, my family is the best, and my friends are the best. We made a ton of memories and got a new kitty to add to our collection of felines. We have good jobs that we love and a school that loves our daughter, and she, in turn, loves it. We took a memorable family vacation and continued traditions of years past. We, as a family, read a lot more and have profound discussions about everything that is life. Those are all things that are beautiful. They are also things that make me sad to reflect on because they were/are so good and the end of a year is just that: an end.

Sure, 2018 is going to be great, and sure, hopefully all of those good things transition over into the New Year, but still, it hurts, and still I cry silent tears in the bathroom away from my family so they don’t get wind of a pain I cannot describe. I have high hopes for 2018 and more importantly for myself. I’ll touch on those things another day. For now I wish you a Merry Christmas, and I wish you time. I wish for you to soak up your loved ones and simple moments we so often overlook. Be kind and enjoy the magic of tomorrow; don’t be like me and grieve the loss of something that has yet to arrive.

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