Club 33

This post was recovered from 11/17/16

On this, the eve of my 33rd birthday, I am filled with mixed emotions. 32 has been a whirlwind of a year, and so much has happened. I'm a Scorpio, and therefore a naturally pessimistic person, so I have difficulty seeing the positive. I also have a penchant for lists, so let's list this shit out:

The Shit List

  1. I had a literal psychotic breakdown. I almost killed myself many, many times, in ways that "sane" me had never thought I would. Literal. Psychotic. Breakdown.
  2. My psychotherapist propositioned me. Huh. 
  3. I gained FORTY pounds. I'm obese for my height. I went up to a size 18. Self esteem? None.
  4. I'm pretty sure my hearing is getting worse.
  5. My left eye is fucked the fuck up. I was legally blind for weeks.
  6. I have so much medical debt from said eye. So, so much. And I'm not done.
  7. My skin turned oily. Like, hella oily. 
  8. I have a crazy zit filled face! What the actual fuck?!
  9. Donald Trump is the president. Let that sink in. 
  10. I have a lot of "friends" who are okay with Donald Trump as being the president. 
  11. I've spent most of the year in a constant state of anxiety.
  12. I second guess and doubt myself in everything that I think, say, and do.
  13. I blame myself for everything.
  14. I allow myself to feel inferior to others.
  15. I think I lost a friend who is so, so loved and important to me. 
  16. Number 15 breaks my  heart.
This List is the Shit List
  1. I'm alive! I didn't die! I didn't kill myself! Effexor didn't kill me. My family is still with me. My friends are still around. I'm above water. 
  2. I've lost 11 pounds. I'm down a size! I'm not stopping!
  3. I started working out again...it's slow going, but it's consistent. 
  4. I'm not blind in my left eye anymore.
  5. I have fucking amazing friends. The list has gotten smaller, but I love them so, so, so goddamn much.
  6. I campaigned hella hard for Hillary Clinton, and continue to stand up for people's rights.
  7. I went campaigning for Hillary in Reno with my boss and co-worker. What the fuck?! And it was fun!
  8. I love my job. It challenges the shit out of me.
  9. I love, love, seriously love my boss. She's the best. I kind of sort of told her that in Reno. She asked me what I liked about my job (in front of the co-worker who went with us) and I told her many things, and later that evening during an appropriate moment in our private conversation, I told her that she is a big part of what makes the job so attractive for me, and is a deciding factor in my happiness. I literally said "I really like you." And it wasn't awkward...at least I don't think it was... Anyway, this is a new person in my life that I see as being important. 
  10. I saw Elizabeth Warren speak! 
  11. My daughter is amazing. She's loving, funny, kind, compassionate, energetic, weird, spunky, quirkly, and literally the best thing to ever happen to me, and honestly, maybe to this world. I'm biased, yes, but seriously. She's a little ball of joy (that I yell at too much, but yeah...)
  12. I got a new car! It has heated seats! My payments are under $300! Yeah!
  13. I got my armpits microwaved! I didn't sweat for months. I'm having it done again (and for the last time...hopefully) in December. 
  14. We are financially okay. 
  15. My husband stayed with me. I don't know why or how, but he did. I love him.
  16. I sleep most nights!
  17. I survived.
There's a lot more to each list, but these are the big ones. I'm coming for you, 33! 32...you can eat a dick.  

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