Fuck.

I haven't had a week this devastating in a very, very long time. I got into a "disagreement" with someone who means the world to me and it got so far blown out of proportion that I'm still shook and confused as to how it happened at all. We've talked, but things feel wrong and awkward and forever different. My heart is hurt. This person is so important to my life. She plays a large role in why I love my job, she is inspiring and makes me happy. So few people in this world do.

I am just so sad about this and am feeling a strange pain. There is pain for myself, of course, but an overwhelming amount of pain in feeling...knowing...that I hurt or made her uncomfortable, even though it was unintentional. These feelings are, of course, entirely my own and I alone am responsible for them.

I've cried a lot over the past few days. Gut wrenching, I-can't-breathe tears. I hate it. Matt told me to quit with the pity party, but it's not that simple. If it were I wouldn't be here.

I hope that in a month's time we will overcome this awkwardness because it is a terribly isolating feeling. My cynical ways don't see that happening. My work husband doesn't see it happening; he's just happy to see me fall from grace and I know this because he told me as much.

I'm trying to get back up.

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