Fuck.

...I haven't had a week this devastating in a very, very long time. My boss, whom everyone knows I adore, and I got into a work related "argument" that should not have happened. Ever. It took place on Monday and I am still shook and confused as to why it happened at all. I won't go into details, but these feelings are traumatic and crushing, like someone very close to me has died...unexpectedly. We have talked about it and are trying to move forward, but I can't shake the feeling that our working relationship and friendship has been forever changed by this one event. My heart is hurt. I would go so far as to say that a piece of it is broken, and it is a terrible feeling. This person is so important to my life. She plays a large role in why I love my job, she is inspiring, and she makes me happy. So few people in this world do.

I am just so sad about this. She's leaving for a month on vacation today, and I am left feeling in limbo, like I was lit on fire and am now smoldering. It burns and permeates my life. I am so hurt. It's a strange pain. There is pain for myself, but an overwhelming amount of pain in feeling...knowing... that I hurt her, even though it was unintentional. These feelings are, of course, entirely my own and I and I alone am responsible for them.

I've cried a lot over the past few days. Gut wrenching, I-can't-breathe tears. Tears that just flow without stopping. I hate it. Matt told me to quit with the pity party, but it's not a pity party. It's my heart tearing, and that doesn't just stop. Guys are dumb and they just don't get it.

She wrote me a card that was nice. Very honest. It made me smile, and was very, very appreciated by me. And still...I feel a tremendous amount of grief.

I hope that in a month's time we will overcome this awkwardness because it is a terribly isolating feeling. My cynical ways don't see that happening. My work husband doesn't see it happening; he's just happy to see me fall from grace.

I'm trying to get back up.

Comments

  1. Holy balls do I sound like a fucking ex-girlfriend.

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