Fuck.

I haven't had a week this devastating in a very, very long time. My boss, whom everyone knows I adore, and I got into an argument that should not have happened. Ever. It took place on Monday and I am still shook and confused as to why it happened at all. I won't go into details, but it feels like we "broke up" or like someone very close to me has died...unexpectedly. We have talked about it and are trying to move forward, but I can't shake the feeling that our working relationship and friendship was forever changed by this one, non-issue issue. My heart is hurt. I would go so far as to say that a piece of it is broken. It's a terrible feeling. She is so important to my life. She is one of the main reasons I am happy, why I love my job, and why I smile. She is not someone that I want to lose.

I am just so sad about it. She's leaving for a month on vacation today, and even though we have talked openly about what happened, I am left feeling in limbo, like I was lit on fire and was left smoldering. It burns and permeates my life. I am so hurt. It's a strange pain. There is pain for myself and excruciating pain in feeling that I hurt her, even if it was unintentional.

I've cried a lot over the past few days. Gut wrenching, I-can't-breathe tears. Tears that just flow without stopping. I hate it. Matt told me to quit with the pity party, but it's not a pity party. It's my heart crumbling, and that doesn't just stop.

She wrote me a card that was very nice. Very honest. Very, very appreciated by me. And still...I feel a tremendous amount of grief.

I hope that in a month's time we will overcome this awkwardness and go back to the way it was. My cynical ways don't see that happening. My work husband doesn't see it happening; he's just happy to see me, who he views as the "golden child" of our unit, fall from grace.

I'm trying to get back up.

Comments

  1. Holy balls do I sound like a fucking ex-girlfriend.

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